After 31 years, I DISCOVERED my BRAIN’S ADHD ENERGY.

As a child, I had severe attention and learning problem was a normal reality for me. As an adult, now I understand that for years this has been a silent but powerful frustration. Even though, at that time, I didn’t know how to name or communicate this type of feelings to my parents; they ALWAYS pushed me to do my best even if it resulted in failures at the end.

With the privilege of private schools that failed at providing the necessary resources to handle a student with my profile; I passed each grade with C’s, D’s and F’s on my report card every school year. In addition, I had to attend summer school classes to pass my sophomore year. I can elaborate on the subject of private school systems as a kid in Puerto Rico, but I won’t in this article.

Over time it was much more difficult for me to concentrate and if the teacher did not show creativity or enthusiasm, it was difficult to win my attention for long periods of time. With a fairly average level of hyperactivity I was able to be calm in the classroom, although I was always in my own world. At that time, I did not know how to feel and name my emotions living this reality every day. I seem to always be “quiet” but I was with constant mental hurricanes behind my laughs and super smiles.

Movies, music and TV shows were my true school and my safe place. My love for books was very platonic. Their pages, textures and smells invited me to an impossible adventure. I was never an A’s or B’s student.

For the past 2 years I’ve had the peculiar opportunity to work for a Neuroscientist. Earlier this year, he told me that he had been looking for the best way to communicate a few things on this matter. In a very subtle voice he tells me:

“Francis, these are the traits you present on a daily basis. From the very beginning that you began to work with us, I was able to distinguish precise features of a classic attention deficit. I didn’t know how to tell you, but you obviously have it, and that’s okay.”

This was groundbreaking for me. It was something that I have said as a joke all my life. Without knowing it, from a very young age I decided to stay quiet and not talk about the amounts of shame I felt. Pretending to be in control, I built a persona with resentment, frustration and a lot of pride who at everything would say: “I don’t care” “I’m fine.”

There’s a lot that has been difficult for me to process. At the same time it has been a truth that has given me freedom and permission to acknowledge my fears, feel my frustrations and take responsibility for my thought patterns to this day. Without knowing it, I have been studying my inner world for almost 10 years. In 2011 I experienced a very strong physical, mental and psychological breakdown. Watching over my internal world has become a philosophy and way of life.

In a religious and historical context, psychological issue have not been treated the best way. Today I can see how sacred texts are used out of context, devaluing the reality that many people live today. I fear that ill-founded doctrines of impossible purity in mind, body, and spirit have caused serious irreparable damages. Living pretending to be people without flaws, without defects, without problems is not healthy for the body, for the mind and much less for the spirit. We believe that “darkness” is only found in the world outside and in others, but never within us. “He who is free from sin, let him cast the first stone” said the famous teacher.

Now, 21st century, year 2020.

The message of love that changes the history of the world, continues to be transmitted with stones in hands and clenched fists to hideaway.

I begin by confronting my own ways of thinking. I try to express rather than impress anyone, I only seek to heal. Communicating this truth is an obedience to my spirit and a responsibility that is heavy on me, even though I’m already used to protestant sticks & stones thrown at me with love and good intentions.

“To love my neighbor as myself” is the text that has given me the most meaning at this time; the only foundation. Easy to write it but to apply it is complicated. To love sincerely, I’ve had to reflect. I confront myself with honesty and I recognize that I have lived believing that I’m a better person than others just because I belonged to a tradition or a religion or organization.

So far I have come and I continue to process. With balance I have found healing. I have no excuses and no apologies for not meeting anyone’s expectations at this point of life. Much less when I have spent time investing in cultivating the self-love that I have demanded and expected from everybody else but myself. In this process, I have lost the few loads of energy and strength to break down the walls of those who do not want to lower their defenses and build bridges with humility, honesty and love. I understand that not everyone is in the business of building bridges.

I don’t think it’s about a new version of myself but about rediscovering who I’ve always been; before losing my light. I’ve been trying to be the light of the world without first illuminating my internal universe. I’m walking little by little recovering the affection of my inner child. A daydreamer girl, sensitive in spirit and saturated with a love that casts out all fear. I love her with art, with music and her favorite movies. Now that she is calmer and peaceful, she can read the books that she always wanted to read for pleasure and not out of obligation.

Aware that this world has its own rules and limitations, I do not expect others to do the same as me. In a culture where success is defined by how I look, what I do or what I have; more occupations, more excuses, more responsibilities and less time to feel what we live. Looking for escapes somehow, someway.

Meanwhile I continue to experience the joy of being free with my flaws, my intensity and my imperfections. For the first time I understand that there is no problem with my way of being. I continue studying and writing, making up for the lost time that I have lived without believing that I am capable doing and being whatever I want to be. There is still a long way to go and a lot to unlearn. I write these words to be okay with the world in which I live.

I document the path with the full confidence that my words will be carried by the wind. Without reaching who does not want to receive them but only who needs to have them.